Last week the stress was high for me. I had a court date scheduled that I had been anxious about for 3 months. We had the kids say goodbye to baby Jackie before they left for school - "just in case."
Well, we all returned home here that day. But something changed. What I thought might be a goodbye to our girl has ended up being more time with her than we originally thought. We will still move along with the plan for reunification with Mom because that is what we are supposed to do. We will keep up with the weekly parental visits, sporadic court dates, bi-weekly home visits from our foster agency and monthly visits from the county caseworker.
None of this is a surprise to me. I read all about it before we jumped in.
But now that we are living it....Wow. It's tough. I want to know how it all ends. NOW! I want to know where my heart is going to be when it is all said and done.*
On a much happier note, we are in love with this little one and that is exactly what she needs right now. Surprisingly, I think she is what we all needed as well.
It took Tommy 3 months to hold her. We had to blackmail him. "No Xbox until you hold her". It worked. The joy the rest of the kids had the first time he held her was a moment I won't ever forget.
Now I catch him picking her up, making silly faces, and sometimes just staring at her.
|Tommy holds Baby J for the first time|
And last, there is no other person I'd rather be on this journey with than Bill. He not only helps so much with what needs to be done, but he is my rock. He always puts things into perspective. He is never selfish, always thinks of others....especially the "least of these". He loves baby J like his own and reminds me that I need to let my guard down as well. So now I am ALL IN.
A good friend sent me the link to this blog post by foster mom Meg Duerksen. Oh my goodness. It is so good and is an amazing post with similarities to our own story. But my biggest take-away was when she wrote the following:
*the “ending” is unknown and i wrestle with the not knowing.
but you know what? the “ending” is unknown for ALL of us.
we fool ourselves into thinking we know what’s going to happen with our families.
we have an illusion of control but nothing is certain.
so i pray about all of it.
it’s all in God’s hands. He already knows about all of it. He knows.
My mother always used to say, "Worry is a useless emotion." And she was right because it really is all in God's hands. He's got everything under control. And that gives us the courage to do what we need to do, even if it scares us.