Friday, December 28, 2018

My Long Hiatus

Hello, Friends.

It's been a long time.  I have missed being able to sit down and write.  Even if I found the time to do so, I was afraid it would be all negative.  Instead of hashing out my feelings on here, I've taken a liking to food and have deemed myself an emotional eater.  The lbs on the scale can concur.

It was back in mid-July that we found out that Baby J's mom was expecting another baby in October.  Within days we were also told we could take in a second foster child because our oldest child, Billy, had turned 18.

From July until October we thought of nothing else.

What to do.  What to do.

On the bright side, both Bill and I were on the same page of confusion.  It wasn't like one of us was pushing to take in the new baby and the other one of us wanted nothing to do with it.  We both knew the pros and cons.

We wanted Baby J to have her sibling with her.  One who would be close in age; a playmate to grow up with if she were to stay with us.

On the other hand, we just had 11 months of not sleeping thru the night. We feel it in our bones everyday that we aren't as young as we used to be and it is taking a toll. We also knew, after experiencing it twice with our own kids, that having 2 babies so close in age is....well, a nightmare.

My mind would not relax in those months between July and October and I was beside myself emotionally.  I was under the impression that there was only one way to look at the situation.

Take the new baby: Good Person
Don't take the new baby: Bad Person

We met with a priest friend who, thankfully, put that terrible thought to rest.  From there we were able to look at things more objectively.  Once the end of October came, we made a decision:  We would be a back-up to another foster parent who was willing to take the new baby.

Fast forward one week - mom goes into labor, the call from the county caseworker comes, and I tell her, "We will be a back-up; go ahead and call the other foster mom."

In that hour that followed all I could feel was a terrible hurt in my heart that we had made the wrong decision.  We called back and said "We will take him."

On October 29th at just 3 days old, Baby JJ came to us. We feel that he is where he needs to be.  The adjustment has been difficult.  I shed a lot of tears.  It is HARD everyday.  When they are awake at the same time all my mind can think is, "This is the hardest thing I have ever done."  And then I think what a brat I am complaining that this is hard.  But still....

There is no real update on what will happen to either Baby J or JJ.  Their endings will most likely be different, unless they end up with us, which is unlikely.  The system is an ugly place; you hear that all the time and it is true.

I worry about my own kids.  This has been the most selfless act on their part, thrust upon them by me.  My guilt is real.  And hard to bear.  But they are championing this cross like you wouldn't believe. I pray when it's all said and done, that they will come out on top of this with more fulfillment than regret.

And I can't forget the man of the house.  By my side every step of the way. Always ready to do the right thing, even if it means doing something that might break his own heart. He fights for the underdog, whoever that may be at the, the babies, even their mom--who is a victim of circumstance and not a bad person.

Count your blessings.

I hope to get back to blogging on a regular basis.  However, showering must come first 😉 I am on Instagram now so please feel free to follow me at kathleensweeney5.  There I post some family happenings with heart emojis that hide the beautiful faces of J and JJ, which makes me sad. I wish you could see how cute they really are.

I wish you much love and happiness in the New Year and I hope to be back soon.....